Stangors saga: Day 61

Stangor killed TWO GREAT JAGGIS tonight, just for fun. Wei isn’t home, so instead of watching part of a movie or reading, I just let Stangor run my hands while I did all the reading of cheat-sheets and pull-down menus for him. Once I explained to him about all the bombs and drugs he could use, he has been experimenting with them. «Dash Juice,» made from rare steak and «catalyst,» seems to be something like methamphetamine — he can run like the devil for about 5 minutes before he crashes. He only wasted one Paintball marking the Great Jaggis, but the Paintballs don’t last very long. While they DO last, though, the monsters are visible on his «monster-dar» in the form of moving yellow circles on the map in his brain.

That map from Stangor’s brain is now permanently burned into our flatscreen TV, partially visible no matter what game or movie we’re playing.

Stangor tried a Might Berry which may have helped his attack strength. Killing two Great Jaggis in one «afternoon» (in his world), even with the Switch Axe, is very strenuous.

Stangor has been spending more time just walking around town and talking to the inhabitants. Today he learned from the store clerk girl that other Hunters sniff the Paintballs to get high, and that it rots their brains. Stangor’s world is a pharmacopia of drugs, most of them natural herbs, berries, mushrooms and insect juices that can be mixed with honey and imbibed for many temporary skill and power boosts, or for drugging and poisoning monsters.

Something new and strange is happening to Stangor. He woke up this morning feeling guilty that he hadn’t interacted with the villagers and his animal-man slaves. He’d been all business and was sincerely worried that he’d hurt their feelings. So he started making gestures to everybody — bowing, nodding, waving, clapping… He doesn’t speak, but it’s possible that these small social gestures get recorded in some Hunter World «Akashic Records» and will pay off later in social status. He even cuddled the pet pig, «Loin,» that he keeps on the communal farm, and he allowed his Felyne slave, Tater, to repeat his monotonous canned bragging about hoeing and bug-farming and such.

The Shakalaka child that Stangor saved from Jaggis, who is apparently named Cha-Cha, not only helped immensely in fighting and gathering with Stangor, he gained some new powers, and gave Stangor a blow job.

Seriously. Stangor had decided to be nice and look right at Cha-Cha while he talked. They happened to be in a cave, out of everyone’s view, and when Stangor walked up to Cha-Cha he walked too close. Cha-Cha compulsively moves his head up and down constantly — it’s a sort of dance, but since his head only reaches up to Stangor’s groin, and his face was buried in Stangor’s groin, he looked exactly like he was blowing Stangor! Stangor himself was turned at just such an angle that even if he’d had a dick and it was out, you wouldn’t quite be able to see it.

I was so awestruck by this accidental dwarf-molesting tableau that I grabbed my camera and videotaped it at length. Stangor never did get his rocks off that I could tell. He just walked away. I didn’t see him zip up or anything.

Yep, things were new and exciting in Stangor’s world, which he foolishly believes to be the REAL one. *I* know better, of course. And yet his pull and influence on this world, and my services, becomes more powerful every day.

Stangor was bashing on one Kelbi when another one flew through the air right over his head and landed, stunned. He had been whacked by Cha-Cha! These Shakalakas are hardy, jolly, funky, and very good fighters, for dwarves.

Stangor went through his supply box selling off mountains of extra goods like Wyvern fangs and Popfish. He had accumulated a lot of stuff and was yearning for the expensive (5000 z!) BOOK OF COMBOS 3. Each of these books improves his luck with combining simple plants and animal parts into things like potions, pickaxes, bug nets, bombs and dope.

Day by day, in every way, Stangor is getting better and better.

In the research he assigned me, I learned that the monsters he fights are not dinosaurs but «WYVERNS.» There are regular Wyverns like the Jaggis and bird wyverns, most of them huge, which Stangor will soon have to face in new quests. The giant insects are called «Neuroptera» although there are many species within that order, flying and crawling, all venomous.

Eventually, Stangor will have to go to the big cities online and find 3 team-mates to join up with in «online quests.» I’ve seen videos of these.

This rabbit hole appears to be bottomless, as far as I can tell so far. There are probably 12-year-olds out there who have been through all five versions of the game plus all the online quests five times each. I am scared of having to deal with them. It’s not just that I’m old… Stangor is no spring chicken himself. His goatee and ponytail are white, not just gray. And he definitely looks like he’s got some hard bark on him. He’s been through a lot. But he doesn’t remember any of it. It’s as if he suddenly woke up in Moga Village in his underwear, with a sword and shield on his back, with no memory. Yet he had some kind of reputation, for the villagers are all very respectful, as if they know of his past exploits. So far he’s been bluffing his way along, which isn’t too hard since he never speaks except to comment on his meals. And even then, the words are typed on a screen. The only sounds he emits are grunts and yells that go with monster fighting.

But at least he is finally getting some sex, albeit with an underage male «dwarf» of a completely nonhuman species. Cha-Cha has never removed his mask, which is a giant acorn with a mouth-hole and eye-holes. No telling what his face looks like. He is one tireless little cock sucker, though. I brewed a whole pot of coffee while he stood there blowing Stangor and he didn’t break his rhythm once the whole time. Might as well be a blowjob robot.

Anyway, if I ever have anyone over to the house again, I can now show off to them how Stangor can get what looks just like «dwarf head» if I position him just right. It was sheer accident the first time. But I am sure they are gonna do it again.


I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

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