Stangors saga: Day 71

Little Weak Glasses Man have imaginary friend in imaginary world. Him named GGG or GorGor. GorGor no like Stangor, think Stangor world fake, Little Weak Glasses World real. Him worry that Little Weak Glasses Man have Stangor as boss. Think Little Weak Glasses Man getting «too into it.» Godnor say:

«Oh perilous are the turns of fate that wrest times tourbillions away from the central gyre as if a keen blade has sliced away a most delicious possibility from the structure of probability. Mayhaps some skulking brute, base apelike avatar of one so blind and weak might not have come to be but for this feckless wight’s untimely demise. Had the wealth of his domain had been properly dispensed the the weak and blind who have not mastered the way of safe return and would never have dared to pay the price to enter..

«Yet the weak and blind might yet depart from the other side of the mirror of self involvement would that they will admit gross ERROR for gambolling in the false slack realms of the PINKS! Can they all not perceive that this foolhardy sortie can lead but to a spiral into the matrix of PINK? Playing the games of the Con, sweet Dobbs what fatal flaw is this that rent the veil of the inner temple, that the weak and halt and lame wouldst see succor within the photonic realm of evil rather than the spirit of our one true leader?

«Shout salvation for «Bob» and the Fightin’ Jesus, I put it to you the Dobbseity ain’t no nickel-dime bumshow, he is a straight shooter and a damned fine business proposition. Nobody else has the inside scoop, and he has got a bottle of fropmixture he’ll swap you for your delusional games! Are you saved or are you deluded?

«This has been an announcement from the brain of GGG in response to the endless delusional adventures of one Stangor.»

—-

Stangor ask GorGor, How much time you work for Pipe Face Boss Man last day? Little Weak Glasses Man work for Pipe Face Boss in false world twelve hours. Make silly booklet, fold silly shirts, make silly product, answer silly Pipe Face Boss email. Little Weak Glasses Man help Stangor mine Pelagicite for maybe one, one and half hour in False World Time.

Lucky for Stangor, one hour in False World equal whole day in Moga Woods, Flooded Forest, Sandy Plains.

So, GorGor go fuck self. GorGor forget ShorDurPerSav. GorGor forget Slack. Stangor is Short Duration Personal Savior of Little Weak Glasses Man.

Late tonight in False World, Little Weak Glasses Man probably stop silly video and help Stangor again. Stangor have Pelagicite Fever. Pelagicite is demon, make greed in soul of Hunters. Last sleep, Stangor find Pelagicite ore in Flooded Forest, deep under lake. Murky, hard to find in mud. Must slay nine Ludroths to justify Quest, harvest Pelagicite. Easy now. But Stangor need four more Pelagicite ores, then can upgrade Hunter’s Dagger to Assassin’s Dagger. Then ALL Stangor weapons upgraded to peak until Qurupeco captured, slain.

Last sleep, Stangor upgrade Lance, Switch-Axe, Long Sword! Very high sharpness, attack power! Slay three Great Jaggis just for practice with new weapons. Switch-Axe cool, but slow. Long Sword sharpest! — but slow. Lance best combination of blocking and killing, until Dagger upgraded. Dagger & shield very versatile. Low attack power but fast. Can block and attack AND HOLD TORCH, all same time.

Stangor also mix up many potion, drug. Now have Demon Potion, Armorskin, Might Pills, Adamant Seeds, Dash Juice, Energy Drink. Many drug. Make Stangor fierce, take away Stangor pain. Stangor get high as shit when fight now.

Ha ha! Stangor remember when Great Jaggi scare Stangor and Little Weak Glasses Man! Now Stangor brush off all Jaggis like flies.

Discover funny tricks! Cha-Cha will blow Stangor if Stangor stand in right place. Little Weak Glasses Man film porno movie! Very funny!

Wei D’Or also find funny pose. Her talk to Chief. Chief old Moga man, like Indian in False World, him smoke long pipe with frop. If Wei D’Or stand just right, Chief bury face in Wei D’Or ass! And stick pipe in Wei D’Or cooter! Him fuck Wei D’Or with pipe, eat out Wei D’Or ass! Very funny!

Strange. When Stangor, Wei D’Or move close to monster or Moga villager, not bump, but MERGE. Stangor sometime vanish inside monster corpse when carving. Very strange. If stand to close to Trader, merge with Trader like ghost. And sword merge with shield, like ghost. But all solid when strike monster!

Stangor still have much to learn, much to kill. After satisfy Pelagicite Fever, must gain entry to Tundra, only source of Armor Sphere+ — many needed to upgrade Jaggi Armor!

Just like False World — job never done! Always hunt, gather, KILL!

KILL! KILL! KILL!!

***

Med dette avslutter vi Ærvedige Ivan Stangs oppbyggelige redegjørelse for sin oppdagelsesferd i dataspillenes vidunderlige verden. Vi har blitt forsikret om at Stangor inntil videre vil tillate Pingle Brillemann å produsere ukentlig «radioshow», Hour of Slack (nå på sin 1384de time,  og tilgjengelig for nedlasting her).

Stangors saga: Day 62

Stangor slay two Great Jaggi, twenty Jaggia, forty Jaggi like it nothing.

Stangor hold fingernails up to mouth and go «WHFFFT.» Stangor no care.

What was big deal before, now matter of course. Day’s work, no sweat. Great Jaggi? Two Great Jaggis? No skin off Stangor back. But Stangor gather many Jaggi hide, scale, bone. Much skin off Jaggi back.

Stangor like when gather bone. Every time, Little Weak Glasses Man in Fake World Game see on «screen»: «STANGOR GET BONE.»

HAHA! Funny. Screen say «BONE.»

Lance not so bad. At first, Stangor no like Lance. Like Sword & Shield, like Hammer. LOVE Switch-Axe. Very shiny! But Little Weak Glasses Man, him say, «All reading say, use Lance! Block, power-attack! Use Lance!»

Lance seem clumsy, stupid to Stangor at first. But Little Weak Glasses Man, him oracle. Him know future. Little Weak Glasses Man have no muscle, little, stupid, blind. But see Mystic Future. Stang hold Little Weak Glasses Man in awe. Him Holy Man.

Stangor know Little Weak Glasses Man imaginary, all dream. Just Game Man. Fake World. Him just dream of Stangor. Little Weak Glasses Man part of Stangor brain, but low in brain, behind front-think. Hiding from Stangor-think. But really just Stangor in back-brain. Good adviser inside Stangor brain. Make Stangor just as wise as Villagers who read. Little Weak Glasses Man read for Stangor, yet him only spirit, shadow, dream-man of Stangor.

But even in dream, Little Weak Glasses Man advise right. Lance very good! Stangor learn move for swing sideways, crash down, stab up. Each good for many monster. But, best, Lance also block. Stangor must learn all block ways. Great Jaggi bite: Stangor block, Dodge. Great Jaggi swing tail: Stangor block, dodge. Must learn all reflex, like soldier.

NO THINK! JUST MOVE!

Funny! Dream-Man, Little Weak Glasses Man, him no can hunt, yet Little Weak Glasses Man give Stangor much wisdom, knowledge of future. Stangor success in hunt prove that spirits not fake but real. Villagers call Stangor superstitious Hunter. But Stangor know — somewhere, in bigger world, is Great Man pulling strings, controlling Stangor, just like Stangor pull strings, control Little Weak Glasses Man.

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

Stangors saga: Day 61

Stangor killed TWO GREAT JAGGIS tonight, just for fun. Wei isn’t home, so instead of watching part of a movie or reading, I just let Stangor run my hands while I did all the reading of cheat-sheets and pull-down menus for him. Once I explained to him about all the bombs and drugs he could use, he has been experimenting with them. «Dash Juice,» made from rare steak and «catalyst,» seems to be something like methamphetamine — he can run like the devil for about 5 minutes before he crashes. He only wasted one Paintball marking the Great Jaggis, but the Paintballs don’t last very long. While they DO last, though, the monsters are visible on his «monster-dar» in the form of moving yellow circles on the map in his brain.

That map from Stangor’s brain is now permanently burned into our flatscreen TV, partially visible no matter what game or movie we’re playing.

Stangor tried a Might Berry which may have helped his attack strength. Killing two Great Jaggis in one «afternoon» (in his world), even with the Switch Axe, is very strenuous.

Stangor has been spending more time just walking around town and talking to the inhabitants. Today he learned from the store clerk girl that other Hunters sniff the Paintballs to get high, and that it rots their brains. Stangor’s world is a pharmacopia of drugs, most of them natural herbs, berries, mushrooms and insect juices that can be mixed with honey and imbibed for many temporary skill and power boosts, or for drugging and poisoning monsters.

Something new and strange is happening to Stangor. He woke up this morning feeling guilty that he hadn’t interacted with the villagers and his animal-man slaves. He’d been all business and was sincerely worried that he’d hurt their feelings. So he started making gestures to everybody — bowing, nodding, waving, clapping… He doesn’t speak, but it’s possible that these small social gestures get recorded in some Hunter World «Akashic Records» and will pay off later in social status. He even cuddled the pet pig, «Loin,» that he keeps on the communal farm, and he allowed his Felyne slave, Tater, to repeat his monotonous canned bragging about hoeing and bug-farming and such.

The Shakalaka child that Stangor saved from Jaggis, who is apparently named Cha-Cha, not only helped immensely in fighting and gathering with Stangor, he gained some new powers, and gave Stangor a blow job.

Seriously. Stangor had decided to be nice and look right at Cha-Cha while he talked. They happened to be in a cave, out of everyone’s view, and when Stangor walked up to Cha-Cha he walked too close. Cha-Cha compulsively moves his head up and down constantly — it’s a sort of dance, but since his head only reaches up to Stangor’s groin, and his face was buried in Stangor’s groin, he looked exactly like he was blowing Stangor! Stangor himself was turned at just such an angle that even if he’d had a dick and it was out, you wouldn’t quite be able to see it.

I was so awestruck by this accidental dwarf-molesting tableau that I grabbed my camera and videotaped it at length. Stangor never did get his rocks off that I could tell. He just walked away. I didn’t see him zip up or anything.

Yep, things were new and exciting in Stangor’s world, which he foolishly believes to be the REAL one. *I* know better, of course. And yet his pull and influence on this world, and my services, becomes more powerful every day.

Stangor was bashing on one Kelbi when another one flew through the air right over his head and landed, stunned. He had been whacked by Cha-Cha! These Shakalakas are hardy, jolly, funky, and very good fighters, for dwarves.

Stangor went through his supply box selling off mountains of extra goods like Wyvern fangs and Popfish. He had accumulated a lot of stuff and was yearning for the expensive (5000 z!) BOOK OF COMBOS 3. Each of these books improves his luck with combining simple plants and animal parts into things like potions, pickaxes, bug nets, bombs and dope.

Day by day, in every way, Stangor is getting better and better.

In the research he assigned me, I learned that the monsters he fights are not dinosaurs but «WYVERNS.» There are regular Wyverns like the Jaggis and bird wyverns, most of them huge, which Stangor will soon have to face in new quests. The giant insects are called «Neuroptera» although there are many species within that order, flying and crawling, all venomous.

Eventually, Stangor will have to go to the big cities online and find 3 team-mates to join up with in «online quests.» I’ve seen videos of these.

This rabbit hole appears to be bottomless, as far as I can tell so far. There are probably 12-year-olds out there who have been through all five versions of the game plus all the online quests five times each. I am scared of having to deal with them. It’s not just that I’m old… Stangor is no spring chicken himself. His goatee and ponytail are white, not just gray. And he definitely looks like he’s got some hard bark on him. He’s been through a lot. But he doesn’t remember any of it. It’s as if he suddenly woke up in Moga Village in his underwear, with a sword and shield on his back, with no memory. Yet he had some kind of reputation, for the villagers are all very respectful, as if they know of his past exploits. So far he’s been bluffing his way along, which isn’t too hard since he never speaks except to comment on his meals. And even then, the words are typed on a screen. The only sounds he emits are grunts and yells that go with monster fighting.

But at least he is finally getting some sex, albeit with an underage male «dwarf» of a completely nonhuman species. Cha-Cha has never removed his mask, which is a giant acorn with a mouth-hole and eye-holes. No telling what his face looks like. He is one tireless little cock sucker, though. I brewed a whole pot of coffee while he stood there blowing Stangor and he didn’t break his rhythm once the whole time. Might as well be a blowjob robot.

Anyway, if I ever have anyone over to the house again, I can now show off to them how Stangor can get what looks just like «dwarf head» if I position him just right. It was sheer accident the first time. But I am sure they are gonna do it again.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

Stangors saga: Day 56

I worked all day, and filled orders, so while I was still fully awake and jazzed up on coffee Stangor used me to help him attempt to capture the Great Jaggi, which is trickier than killing him, though not by much. In fact Stangor was in the LAST MINUTE of the Quest and had managed to survive long enough to a) injure the beast so that it fell asleep in its den b) sneak into the den and put a Shock Trap in front of him c) throw two Tranq Bombs as soon as the Shock Trap went off.

Problem is, that Shock Trap only lasts about 3 seconds, and Stangor didn’t throw the second Tranq ball fast enough. The Great Jaggi broke free and attacked Stangor, who knew the Quest had failed because the seconds were ticking down. He killed the Great Jaggi just as the clock ran out… losing the Quest (by a hair) but collecting a second Great Jaggi Hide, which he needs for certain fireproof armor.

Then, out of anger and frustration, Stangor went Free Hunting in Moga Woods — which is now complicated by TWO Great Jaggies running around in there, both surrounded by packs of the smaller Jaggis and Jaggia. So Stangor (using me as his second on this side) spent three hours just practicing with various weapons on the Great Jaggis and other beasts, and gathering honey (needed for MegaPotion, of which Stangor requires nearly 20 bottles per hunt — total junkie). He got «killed» again and again, but that doesn’t matter in Moga Woods. His unconscious body is carted back to base camp by Felyne slaves every time, and his health gets automatically replenished.

He managed to slay yet another Great Jaggi and collect another hide, but… I can’t remember if he was using the Hammer or the Great Sword.

The Great Sword is RIDICULOUS. It’s twice as long as Stangor is tall and takes two seconds just to lift and wield for each blow. But if you angle it right with a side-sweep, it can take out half the Jaggis around Stangor AND hit the boss monster a couple of good ones. And it can be charged up with super-power if you time it just right.

Get this, though — for the first time that *I* know of, Stangor, after hunting, got high and JUST WENT STROLLING AROUND LOOKING AT THINGS. Moga Village is very detailed — what little of it Stangor can get to. Much of it is merely seen in the background. But Stangor has always been so intent on hunting that he never stops to smell the Jaggi Dung. So he walked, not ran — I didn’t even know he could just WALK — and examined things like just what those fruits might be on the market table, and how the boats are made, and what the women were wearing. Then he went over to the Woods and strolled around, high as a kite, merely watching the bushes wave in the breeze (with an oddly repetitive motion!) and the clouds float by. The clouds do move, and there are birds up there. I had not really noticed a lot of those pretty details before. Too busy hunting and gathering.

Stangor gathered, but mainly just so he could stare real close at the pretty rocks he mines ore from and the bizarre bulb plants from which he gets herbs. He couldn’t NOT fight, because the Great Jaggi came a couple of times, but we found that about 3 blows from the Long Sword and he will run away.

That was really weird: Stangor just walking around «smoking a joint,» arming himself only when attacked.

In theory Stangor could spend 12 hours straight (my time, not his — it’d be a week for him) doing nothing but practicing with weapons on monsters. I can see how he might well want to do that. I can now see why video gamers get «that way.»

Wei is about to go away for the weekend. This means I COULD INDEED just sit on the edge of the bed being controlled by Stangor until my hands cramp up and bleed. She would come home Sunday to find me hollow-eyed and gaunt, and be unable to shake me back into this world. Like that guy in the movie BRAINSTORM who makes an orgasm-playback-loop and just sits there spazzing while it plays in his head.

Oh, I suppose there are other jobs to do besides slay dinosaurs in another dimension, but FUCK ‘EM IF THEY CAN’T TAKE A JOKE.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

Stangors saga: I Managed to Escape from Stangor Briefly

He finally beat the Great Jaggi. The Quest had to be finished within 50 minutes (game time) and in the last TWO MINUTES he got in the killing blow and was able to carve out the bone and hide.

When it was over, *I,* not Stangor, was drenched in sweat, panting, feeling all beat-up, and this was in an air-conditioned room. Stangor, in Moga Woods, never broke a sweat, never sustained a bruise. He fainted once after being struck by the Great Jaggi’s tail repeatedly, and being bitten countless times by dozens of lesser Jaggis as well as the Great Jaggi himself. He went through ten MegaPotions and eight regular Potions.

I, on the other hand, have no Potion of any kind. Just coffee.

For FOUR HOURS, Stangor held me in his grip. It’s not me controlling him with the Wii controller — HE’S controlling ME. He attacks something and that makes my thumb hit the A button. He rolls from the monster’s attack, which causes my right index finger to pull the B trigger and my left thumb to swivel the motion-stick.

He spent half an hour preparing for the battle — making bombs, eating special meals, buying the lastest available power accessories. Then, after the battle, after picking up his rewards, he wanted to get high on Blue Mushrooms and Herbs and then immediately go back out there to collect more drugs and ores and bones, and to kill as many big monsters as he could
— JUST FOR FUN (also he gets paid). It was Ludroth mating season and he slew probably a dozen of those large slimy aquatic carnivores. (They look like reptiles but are flabby like amphibians.) There was a giant flying bug outbreak in the Central area and he learned that the best way to take out several at once is by The Martian Arts of Grutledge — he just stands there slashing randomly every which-way with his sword, and the giant bugs eventually fly into his way and get hit. He’s like a human bug-zapper.

IF Stangor is even remotely human! — for as far as I know he STILL hasn’t even peed, much less shat. He eats and drinks a lot — I mean, he devours chunks of meat half his own size — but no excretion! Maybe when he reaches Level 3 he’ll finally spend 20 minutes just standing on the edge of a cliff peeing off it, as his reward. Maybe that’s why he’s so obsessive.

He went for 3 days and nights (in his world), without sleeping, in just four hours our time. Then he finally passed out on his feet after he had me «SAVE GAME.»

I came to myself wearing headphones, with my left hand in severe pain from gripping the «nunchuck» controller so hard, and drenched with sweat in an air- conditioned bedroom. The cup of coffee in front of me had not been touched after the Quest started.

Next, Stangor is going to have to CAPTURE a Great Jaggi — in The Sandy Plains, an unforgiving environment. He is making me watch YouTube videos of kids demonstrating how quickly they can do that. Here’s one:

That is what Stangor has to do next. The guy in the video looks much like Stangor, but is younger and doesn’t have the white beard. But his armor and weapons are about the same. This particular Monster Hunter has obviously been at it longer than Stangor has. His slave in this world has probably been playing video games since birth, whereas this is my first experience as the slave of a video game character since the days of Joust, Centipede and Galaga.

I need to whip out some new material for my job, but… something is… fighting…

Stangor go hunt in Sandy Plains now. Practice. Try spare Flash Bombs on Rhenoplus. Take scalp. Do Crystal Bones Quest just as excuse. Chief not let Stangor go to Sandy Plains unless on Quest. No Free Hunt like in Moga Woods.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

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