Stangors saga: Day 52

This give Stangor big ideas.

In Moga Village, Stangor have felyne slave who work farm for Stangor. Stangor bring dung, pay, order ‘shrooms, bomberries grown by slave. Slave look like big kitten with vest, walk upright, talk like silly man.

Felyne slave name Tater.

Stangor not name him Tater. Little Weak Glasses Man not name him Tater. Him already named Tater.

Stangor could choose other names for slave, but Tater there so Stangor pick Tater.

Now Stangor think, maybe fuck felyne Tater. Also maybe fuck little pig in diaper that hang around farm. No woman in Moga Village offer to fuck Stangor. Flirt much, but just want Zennis from Stangor. Always try to sell Stangor new bug net, potions, weapons, fishing quests. Moga Village women no love Stangor except as customer.

Stangor maybe fuck Kelbi. Kelbi like deer and goat. Small, warm, furry. Easy to catch, stick hind legs in Stangor boots, him fuck while eating Well Done Steak. Then Stangor chop off horn, but free Kelbi to kill later.

Slain dinosaur, him no good for fuck. Cold, scaly. Also, bring shame on Stangor if villagers see. Live dinosaur too hard to fuck. Tail whip Stangor in face.

Farm strange. Top farmer, him Wyvernian dwarf, him talk like other Tater in Little Weak Glasses Man Fake-World. Talk about shovel, talk funny, lose train of thought easy like Little Weak Glasses Man Tater — but him no named Tater. Felyne slave no talk like Tater, but him named Tater.

Little Weak Glasses Man want make thing he call… Stangor forget. Silly «job.» Stangor say, No. Need Little Weak Glasses Man to work as slave for Stangor today. Must capture Great Jaggi. Little Weak Glasses Man take 3 lessons on YouTube to help Stangor prepare potions, Tranq bombs, shock traps.

When Stangor slay Great Jaggi, him use Dung Bomb for first time. Very funny! Stangor throw Dung Bomb, hit Great Jaggi, air fill with brown fog like dinosaur fart! Great Jaggi get distracted, wave forepaws at snout, blink, stop chasing Stangor so Stangor can drink Potion, sharpen sword, attack-then-dodge.

Stangor no smell Dung Bomb. Stangor no smell anything. Monster dung everywhere, carcass rot, fish rot in village — Stangor smell nothing.

Stangor go now, make Little Weak Glasses Man hold Kelbi while Stangor fuck it. Then Stangor fuck Tater.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

 

 

 

Stangors saga: Day 42

Stangor have fight with Little Weak Glasses Man, win.

Easy fight.

Little Weak Glasses Man want to work in false world him call «real,» make websites, radio show, rant, edit videos. Stangor say NO. Must slay Great Jaggi at all costs. Must practice more with Hammer, Sword. Gain Zennis, Armor Spheres for weapon upgrade. Little Weak Glasses Man say no, must pay bills. Little Weak Glasses Man think him world real, not know him just servant of Stangor in REAL world of Moga Village, Moga Woods, Sandy Plain.

Stangor shake head sadly at Little Weak Glasses Man. But Stangor try to help Little Weak Glasses Man. Maybe good blow with Hammer work, knock sense into Little Weak Glasses Man head.

But Little Weak Glasses Man afraid, always stay on other side of window to Stangor World, Monster Hunter Tri world. Little Weak Glasses Man pussy.

Yet… him GET pussy. Stangor get no pussy. Pain between Stangor ears, pain in Stangor crotch. Stangor have blue ball something awful. Aggressive monster-slaying no help.

Stangor try to placate Little Weak Glasses Man. Offer Little Weak Glasses Man raw meat, Well Done Meat, Blue Mushrooms, Antidote Pudding. Maybe Little Weak Glasses Man get over silly delusion that stupid Little Weak Glasses Man world «real.»

Stangor know that Little Weak Glasses Man have crush on Gal with the Goods at Moga Village Shop. Her thick, swarthy, have big tits, big butt, thick legs. Maybe Stangor use Gal to lure Little Weak Glasses Man in. Gal no fuck Stangor anyway.

Stangor not even sure if Stangor have dick. Stangor fight, gather for many days now, never once have to shit, pee, fuck, not even jack off. Just eat, kill, gather, sell.

Maybe Little Weak Glasses Man world not so bad after all. Too bad it fake.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

Stangors Saga: Day 41

I had a very productive day. I worked on my job for a whole hour. Far more productively, I helped Stangor kill and kill and kill, plus the two of us got much Resource gathering accomplished.

HOLY SHIT, these «video game» things I’ve just now discovered are HABIT FORMING!

I was able to quit cigarettes, speed, all manner of central nervous system depressants, but I frankly don’t see much point in living outside the video game except for the bare minimum, enough to keep the power on.

It is getting on Wei’s nerves. She falls asleep at 3 am but wakes up at 7 am to find me still running Stangor, in headphones. Apparently just hearing the controller emit the occasional buzz is driving her nuts. And she says I twitch violently while playing, shaking the bed.

So today Stangor hunted all day instead of all night. He prefers day in his world and I am able to give that to him, but in this case it was day in my world too.

Stangor has finished all his initial Quests and unlocked a whole new series of quests, landscapes, characters and ever-larger monsters and weapons. He is also rich as Midas, unlike me, because his environment apparently can be looted forever as long as he is industrious. Often he goes to the Deserted Island just to kill and kill and kill (and collect hides and ores and other resources) — JUST FOR THE MONEY. He is paid pretty well even for monsters that are not very hard to kill.

We are now seeing new monsters that are a little more difficult to slay, and more dangerous. Stangor has to carry a lot of food and medicine with him if he expects to kill big monsters, especially in the water. A lot of it happens underwater so Stangor has had to learn this strange way of swimming while fighting and also keeping a constant lookout.

The fighting is not so hard, but needing to keep a lookout while sharpening blades or consuming potions between monster attacks is making it all increasingly complicated.

It’s not all dinosaur-like foes now. There are also some giant bugs, as well as a type of man-sized slug that lives in caves. This huge slug is dreaded by both Stangor and me.

When Stangor goes upon a Quest — necessary to keep the world from getting boring — he has a time limit, usually 50 minutes in Stangor-time, which is subtly different from «real time» in our Narrative.

Today his first Urgent Quest was to kill six Ludroths, which are somewhat like oversized crocodiles. They can expel an annoying projectile unless you stay to one side of them, hammering away. Easy to kill on land; much trickier underwater. Stangor barely made it out today with his life. He was down to his last First Aid Pack and there were three Ludroths going at him all at once. However he did manage to kill the sixth Ludroth in time. This earned him an audience with The Trader, a seaship captain who will give Stangor valuable weapons in return for warm furry hides and rare bug guts.

Well I guess I better get back to «work.»

It’s interesting to reflect that not two months ago I was just like most old people. «Video games? They make my hands hurt, they run up my blood pressure, and worst of all I never win.»

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START WINNING?

It’s JUST like gambling or narcotics, or sex addiction. Don’t kid yourself, dear old-person reader. If it could happen to me, after all these years of resistance, it could happen to anybody — and much easier than you may think.

I spent the last hour «working» — supposedly..

The whole time, I wasn’t there. Not really. Mentally I was in Moga Woods, slaying monsters. I was thinking ahead: «What tools and supplies do I need to make sure I have with me on my next sojourn?»

Another part of me was thinking, «How can I break down Wei’s resistance? My wife has only been Wei D’Or two or three times. In the game world she is still stumbling around like a very old or young person, not yet fully in control of her limbs, nor with any reasonable sense of direction and motive. She isn’t ENJOYING it yet, not in… that WAY. It’s like the heroin is still making her puke. How can I get her to do that ONE NEXT HIT that will change her from allergic to addicted?»

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

 

 

 

Stangors Saga: Day 25

Stangor better now, finally gather two Goldenfish Bait. Want two more so Stangor be sure not to fuck up Goldenfish Quest for fifth time. Stangor much better fisherman now. But must have Firefly to make Goldenfish Bait — combine with Snakebee Larva. Stangor have all Larvae Stangor need, but Firefly rare. Only found under Honey Tree in 4 places on Deserted Island. Stangor have good Cheat Sheet.

Stangor learn, catching rare fish harder than killing Monsters. Most Monsters fall dead with four blows from Stangor small-sword. But now more Monsters come each time. Some bigger, faster, take more than 4 blows. Almost as if gods of Deserted Island know Stangor gain more skill, not all-time slash at thin air like Village Idiot. But tough hide on new monsters, make Stangor sword dull. Stangor must run, hide, use whetstone before can fight. Stangor also get stung by big ants, have to take potions, mushrooms, bitterbugs. Little Weak Glasses-Man always must push buttons faster while Stangor keep lookout.

Stangor now able to cook Rare Steak from Monster Meat many times, not burn meat like silly weakling from city. Still hard to cook meat Well Done. Stangor must eat after every two Monster Fights.

Stangor surprised some Monsters not Endangered Species yet. Stangor keep backpack small, fit in more ore, bugs, fish, meat. But Storage Box of Stangor, back in yurt in Moga Village, now very full! Many skulls, bones, bugs, potions. Stangor rich, soon hire deformed Armorer Dwarf to make great weapons.

Stangor now know magic to bring Wei D’Or to Stangor world, fight Monsters together in Arena. Stangor wrong before. Woman can hunt too. Stangor could even become Woman. Hunter women very sturdy, shapely. But Wei D’Or still too weak, silly. Hunter’s Guild no have We D’Or yet as member. Wei D’or must kill more, gather more.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

 

 

 

STANGOR WINNING

Stangor run for hours. Get tired, take Potion of Mushrooms, gobble many Herbs. Get injured by monsters. Slaves carry Stangor to Base Camp to heal.

Stangor very strong. High valor rating.

***

… Wha… where am I? What’s that TV doing on? Was I on the Wii again?

The swiftly increasing dependence on becoming Stangor and fetching mushrooms and monster carcasses actually kept me from working OR exercising almost all day yesterday. I finally got to work starting about 8 pm.

Wei and I want to live, so we walk a lot for exercise. Last week, before Stangor, we hiked up hill and down dale for 2 hours with no problem. Now, we’re again walking only a little, and falling behind.

Hmmm… I… COULD… blow off this «job» I’m supposed to do and make a quick run to the Moga Woods for a few dinosaur bladders and Blue Mushrooms… at least I would be «outdoors.» It wouldn’t be REAL exercise, but it might feel like real exercise, sort of.

Stangor have long hair, gray streaks, but no dandruff.

Stangor never take bath, wear armor all day yet never stink.

STANGOR DON’T TEXT.

Stangor will return later with fresh raw meat, many Wyvern teeth. Impress food stand woman in village.

Now Stangor must use Magic Window, send word-scrolls of rants by little weak glasses man to big chief editor in San Francisco, get money for new game controller. Little glasses man can die now. Stangor send in old silly papers for him, earn many Resources, upgrade weapons. Stangor no longer need silly glasses man.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

 

 

 

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