Stangors saga: Day 62

Stangor slay two Great Jaggi, twenty Jaggia, forty Jaggi like it nothing.

Stangor hold fingernails up to mouth and go «WHFFFT.» Stangor no care.

What was big deal before, now matter of course. Day’s work, no sweat. Great Jaggi? Two Great Jaggis? No skin off Stangor back. But Stangor gather many Jaggi hide, scale, bone. Much skin off Jaggi back.

Stangor like when gather bone. Every time, Little Weak Glasses Man in Fake World Game see on «screen»: «STANGOR GET BONE.»

HAHA! Funny. Screen say «BONE.»

Lance not so bad. At first, Stangor no like Lance. Like Sword & Shield, like Hammer. LOVE Switch-Axe. Very shiny! But Little Weak Glasses Man, him say, «All reading say, use Lance! Block, power-attack! Use Lance!»

Lance seem clumsy, stupid to Stangor at first. But Little Weak Glasses Man, him oracle. Him know future. Little Weak Glasses Man have no muscle, little, stupid, blind. But see Mystic Future. Stang hold Little Weak Glasses Man in awe. Him Holy Man.

Stangor know Little Weak Glasses Man imaginary, all dream. Just Game Man. Fake World. Him just dream of Stangor. Little Weak Glasses Man part of Stangor brain, but low in brain, behind front-think. Hiding from Stangor-think. But really just Stangor in back-brain. Good adviser inside Stangor brain. Make Stangor just as wise as Villagers who read. Little Weak Glasses Man read for Stangor, yet him only spirit, shadow, dream-man of Stangor.

But even in dream, Little Weak Glasses Man advise right. Lance very good! Stangor learn move for swing sideways, crash down, stab up. Each good for many monster. But, best, Lance also block. Stangor must learn all block ways. Great Jaggi bite: Stangor block, Dodge. Great Jaggi swing tail: Stangor block, dodge. Must learn all reflex, like soldier.

NO THINK! JUST MOVE!

Funny! Dream-Man, Little Weak Glasses Man, him no can hunt, yet Little Weak Glasses Man give Stangor much wisdom, knowledge of future. Stangor success in hunt prove that spirits not fake but real. Villagers call Stangor superstitious Hunter. But Stangor know — somewhere, in bigger world, is Great Man pulling strings, controlling Stangor, just like Stangor pull strings, control Little Weak Glasses Man.

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

Stangors saga: Day 56

I worked all day, and filled orders, so while I was still fully awake and jazzed up on coffee Stangor used me to help him attempt to capture the Great Jaggi, which is trickier than killing him, though not by much. In fact Stangor was in the LAST MINUTE of the Quest and had managed to survive long enough to a) injure the beast so that it fell asleep in its den b) sneak into the den and put a Shock Trap in front of him c) throw two Tranq Bombs as soon as the Shock Trap went off.

Problem is, that Shock Trap only lasts about 3 seconds, and Stangor didn’t throw the second Tranq ball fast enough. The Great Jaggi broke free and attacked Stangor, who knew the Quest had failed because the seconds were ticking down. He killed the Great Jaggi just as the clock ran out… losing the Quest (by a hair) but collecting a second Great Jaggi Hide, which he needs for certain fireproof armor.

Then, out of anger and frustration, Stangor went Free Hunting in Moga Woods — which is now complicated by TWO Great Jaggies running around in there, both surrounded by packs of the smaller Jaggis and Jaggia. So Stangor (using me as his second on this side) spent three hours just practicing with various weapons on the Great Jaggis and other beasts, and gathering honey (needed for MegaPotion, of which Stangor requires nearly 20 bottles per hunt — total junkie). He got «killed» again and again, but that doesn’t matter in Moga Woods. His unconscious body is carted back to base camp by Felyne slaves every time, and his health gets automatically replenished.

He managed to slay yet another Great Jaggi and collect another hide, but… I can’t remember if he was using the Hammer or the Great Sword.

The Great Sword is RIDICULOUS. It’s twice as long as Stangor is tall and takes two seconds just to lift and wield for each blow. But if you angle it right with a side-sweep, it can take out half the Jaggis around Stangor AND hit the boss monster a couple of good ones. And it can be charged up with super-power if you time it just right.

Get this, though — for the first time that *I* know of, Stangor, after hunting, got high and JUST WENT STROLLING AROUND LOOKING AT THINGS. Moga Village is very detailed — what little of it Stangor can get to. Much of it is merely seen in the background. But Stangor has always been so intent on hunting that he never stops to smell the Jaggi Dung. So he walked, not ran — I didn’t even know he could just WALK — and examined things like just what those fruits might be on the market table, and how the boats are made, and what the women were wearing. Then he went over to the Woods and strolled around, high as a kite, merely watching the bushes wave in the breeze (with an oddly repetitive motion!) and the clouds float by. The clouds do move, and there are birds up there. I had not really noticed a lot of those pretty details before. Too busy hunting and gathering.

Stangor gathered, but mainly just so he could stare real close at the pretty rocks he mines ore from and the bizarre bulb plants from which he gets herbs. He couldn’t NOT fight, because the Great Jaggi came a couple of times, but we found that about 3 blows from the Long Sword and he will run away.

That was really weird: Stangor just walking around «smoking a joint,» arming himself only when attacked.

In theory Stangor could spend 12 hours straight (my time, not his — it’d be a week for him) doing nothing but practicing with weapons on monsters. I can see how he might well want to do that. I can now see why video gamers get «that way.»

Wei is about to go away for the weekend. This means I COULD INDEED just sit on the edge of the bed being controlled by Stangor until my hands cramp up and bleed. She would come home Sunday to find me hollow-eyed and gaunt, and be unable to shake me back into this world. Like that guy in the movie BRAINSTORM who makes an orgasm-playback-loop and just sits there spazzing while it plays in his head.

Oh, I suppose there are other jobs to do besides slay dinosaurs in another dimension, but FUCK ‘EM IF THEY CAN’T TAKE A JOKE.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

Stangors saga: I Managed to Escape from Stangor Briefly

He finally beat the Great Jaggi. The Quest had to be finished within 50 minutes (game time) and in the last TWO MINUTES he got in the killing blow and was able to carve out the bone and hide.

When it was over, *I,* not Stangor, was drenched in sweat, panting, feeling all beat-up, and this was in an air-conditioned room. Stangor, in Moga Woods, never broke a sweat, never sustained a bruise. He fainted once after being struck by the Great Jaggi’s tail repeatedly, and being bitten countless times by dozens of lesser Jaggis as well as the Great Jaggi himself. He went through ten MegaPotions and eight regular Potions.

I, on the other hand, have no Potion of any kind. Just coffee.

For FOUR HOURS, Stangor held me in his grip. It’s not me controlling him with the Wii controller — HE’S controlling ME. He attacks something and that makes my thumb hit the A button. He rolls from the monster’s attack, which causes my right index finger to pull the B trigger and my left thumb to swivel the motion-stick.

He spent half an hour preparing for the battle — making bombs, eating special meals, buying the lastest available power accessories. Then, after the battle, after picking up his rewards, he wanted to get high on Blue Mushrooms and Herbs and then immediately go back out there to collect more drugs and ores and bones, and to kill as many big monsters as he could
— JUST FOR FUN (also he gets paid). It was Ludroth mating season and he slew probably a dozen of those large slimy aquatic carnivores. (They look like reptiles but are flabby like amphibians.) There was a giant flying bug outbreak in the Central area and he learned that the best way to take out several at once is by The Martian Arts of Grutledge — he just stands there slashing randomly every which-way with his sword, and the giant bugs eventually fly into his way and get hit. He’s like a human bug-zapper.

IF Stangor is even remotely human! — for as far as I know he STILL hasn’t even peed, much less shat. He eats and drinks a lot — I mean, he devours chunks of meat half his own size — but no excretion! Maybe when he reaches Level 3 he’ll finally spend 20 minutes just standing on the edge of a cliff peeing off it, as his reward. Maybe that’s why he’s so obsessive.

He went for 3 days and nights (in his world), without sleeping, in just four hours our time. Then he finally passed out on his feet after he had me «SAVE GAME.»

I came to myself wearing headphones, with my left hand in severe pain from gripping the «nunchuck» controller so hard, and drenched with sweat in an air- conditioned bedroom. The cup of coffee in front of me had not been touched after the Quest started.

Next, Stangor is going to have to CAPTURE a Great Jaggi — in The Sandy Plains, an unforgiving environment. He is making me watch YouTube videos of kids demonstrating how quickly they can do that. Here’s one:

That is what Stangor has to do next. The guy in the video looks much like Stangor, but is younger and doesn’t have the white beard. But his armor and weapons are about the same. This particular Monster Hunter has obviously been at it longer than Stangor has. His slave in this world has probably been playing video games since birth, whereas this is my first experience as the slave of a video game character since the days of Joust, Centipede and Galaga.

I need to whip out some new material for my job, but… something is… fighting…

Stangor go hunt in Sandy Plains now. Practice. Try spare Flash Bombs on Rhenoplus. Take scalp. Do Crystal Bones Quest just as excuse. Chief not let Stangor go to Sandy Plains unless on Quest. No Free Hunt like in Moga Woods.

***

I ukene fremover presenterer Imagonem en serie gjesteblogger fra Ærverdige Ivan Stang, skriftlærd og radiovert for den internasjonale Church of the SubGenius. Pastoren deler her den oppbyggelige fortellingen om sin gjenoppdagelse av dataspillenes vidunderlige verden med oss.

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